Date with a Mingle-Man

A Little Story...and it is so worth sharing!

I decided to share last week's announced post next Monday because, believe it or not, I went on a date lately with a guy who completely fit the profile of the mingle-man. So I thought: Perfect timing to make a post about it!

Here it goes:

I was on a date with a guy who came up to me on the street in the middle of the day. It does not happen a lot that guys have the courage to randomly walk up to a girl and ask her out. I, therefore, thought to myself: Why not meeting up with him after the courage he showed? During the first 30 minutes of the date I already knew that this was not leading anywhere!

He totally fit the pattern of the mingle-man and I actually had to laugh because I am currently blogging about this topic. First of all, this guy obviously never heard of the word courtesy and if he did, he obviously does not get the meaning of it!

Just to give you a quick summary of this, again, very painful experience: He schlepped me around the city because he needed to buy a new scent; me traipsing behind him because I was wearing heels and he did not deem it as appropriate to wait for me (I mean, of course, we weren't on a date but on a shopping spree right?) Finally, he asked me for a spare Euro to pay for the perfume we picked together.

But here comes the best part...

When we sat down in a bar and started chatting for the first time, he bluntly told me to my face that with 26 he feels like he is too young for a relationship and that he mostly loses interest after dating a girl multiple times. I couldn't believe how much space there was for romance after he told me that! At least I can say now: Thank you for letting me know in advance. That saves me a lot of time, trouble and sleepless nights!

During the rest of the date I was very relaxed, since in my mind he was already placed into the category ' Not THE guy'. I even told him bluntly that I feel that most guys under 30 are rather immature and I generally did not try to impress him at all. When the date ended, I obviously knew that I did not want to see him again and was very surprised that he actually asked me on a second date the next day.

I could not help but wonder: Did he actually like it that I told him bluntly what I thought of him? And do I tend to make the mistake of 'trying too hard to be amazing' with guys I actually do like?


Your Janessa
 

How to recognize a mingle-man and when to run!

Part 2 – The Mingle Game

As promised in last week's post, this week I will blog about how to recognize guys with commitment issues and when its time to run.

How come that women are often attracted to guys who have commitment issues? There is something about them that makes us feel vivid and that challenges us! It can be about guys, shoes or jobs. We just tend to want what's not easy for us to have! So it somehow happens that we feel especially drawn to those guys who just want to play around and not pursue something serious. The ride might be fun but in the end those guys drain us of our energy. After learning this the hard way it's smart to watch out for signals. Because even though guys seem complicated; they are not. They actually are very simple; we just have to learn to listen to what they are trying to tell us.

That's how it usually goes:

We meet a great guy. He asks us out. Things go great. No, even perfect! We can talk for hours, laugh at each other's jokes and tease one another. We are head over heels! 

This phase might last from one day up to a couple of weeks or even months. At one point all these fireworks turn into worries and confusion because he starts behaving differently. Then, we usually do the opposite from what we should: We try very hard to get the initial version of him back! When, however, we already missed the signs that told us: 'I just don't want a girlfriend!'

Here are the most common signals:

1. He is not asking us out anymore and we always have to ask him when we will finally meet again. (It totally seems like he just can't wait to see us, right?)
   
   
2. He does not text or call us as often as he used to. (Only few exceptions accepted: accidents, death or serious health problems. Other than that, he totally is able to send us at least one text!)
   
   
3. He says he likes us a lot but needs time. (Believe me, in 99 % of the cases he will eventually tell us that he just doesn't want a relationship now. So better end it earlier because no matter the reason, do we really want to wait for a guy who is not sure that he wants us?!)
   
   
4. When he does not want to talk to us and share personal things. (He might just talk about superficial things that we could chitchat about with a random guy in the bus next to us or he reacts annoyed when we ask him about his friends, parents etc.? Time to run! He does not want us to get close to him.)
   
   
5. He already shows us how self-centered he is. (It is mostly important to him to do what he wants! Hit the gym five days a week or hanging out with friends a lot? If this is more important to him when we just started dating, then he definitely does not want to make space for us in his life!)
   
   
6. He says that he is not sure if he wants a relationship in general. (Very clear signal! The last thing he wants is to put a label on what it is that we're having. It might feel like a relationship but it is the last thing he wants to make official.)
   
   
7. He does not ask us about us or our life. (If somebody wants to be in a relationship with us he wants to know everything about us. Not asking us indicates that he does not want to get too emotionally involved.)

I always hoped that the one I was dating at a time was an exception. There had to be a good reason for his behavior. I thought that there must be a way to help him overcome his fear. Guess what? It never was the case!

Many of these signs apply to guys who are not into us as well. However, guys who show us that they are crazy about us at first and then show some or all of these signals are very likely to be mingle-men. Of course, if he quickly changes his behavior after having gotten into our pants – the answer to his behavior is not mingle-man but 'jerk' who just wanted to get into our pants!

Next week's post will be about: Why we aren't the exception even when we think we are!

Your Janessa

 

 

 

Are all guys under 30 really immature?

Part 1 – The Mingle Game

Relationships never really seemed to work out for me. It is proven that women grow and develop faster than guys and I feel that this often is the reason why it is so hard for us to end up in a happy relationship. Pretty much every guy I dated under 30 was too immature and psychologically not developed enough for the 'real deal'.

They often do not know what it is that they really want. 'Comitting to a relationship when I am only 27? There are so many girls out there, I might miss the right one!' Sentences like these seem to be normal in today's..., how I like to call it, 'mingle world'. Somehow they want someone who is there for them, cares for them and to whom they can come home after a long day. On the other hand, giving up on all of these amazing opportunities and adventures that might present themselves? Because of being committed? This is not what these young guys want. Not with all of this zest for life. 

Therefore, the term mingle really describes the mindset of many people nowadays. Everything is faster, video calling someone oceans away or meeting someone through a dating app who is travelling through your city? That's routine today and globalization really does not help guys to speed up the process of comitting. Even though the 'right one' might pass by, they are way to occupied to live their lifes waiting for the one that might even be better. And guess what? Always thinking that way is a vicious circle that does not stop, meaning the impossibility to reach the destination where a happy relationship might be waiting for them.

My next post will be about how to recognize a mingle-man and when to run!

I would love to hear your comments about this topic and if you have dated a mingle-man in your life before please share your experience.

Your Janessa